A study conducted by an app for extramarital dalliances revealed that approximately 60 per cent of married Indians are looking to swing, flirt, fantasise, or date out of marriage. There is indeed a dedicated app for open marriages that started in Europe that is now being promoted as one for “extra-marital” dating. And the statistics from such apps are staggering.
As a single Indian woman, I am at the end of my rope when it comes to online dating, thanks largely to people who are seeking “extra-marital”/ “coupled” non-monogamous relationships. A recent jarring experience was matching with someone on Bumble who claimed to be single but was in fact newly married. When his stories didn’t add up, a quick Instagram search turned up his public profile with personal details, including pictures from his wedding barely six months ago.
This writer, like many Indian women, believes that relationships and their nature are highly personal. I respect alternate forms of it, whether that is open marriage or polyamory. But the prevalence and what feels like downright infiltration on dating apps like Bumble and Hinge of committed folks who are there “just for fun” has left us frustrated and fatigued. If these were cases where both partners were aware and consenting to the set-up, it’s a whole other conversation. I cannot speak for others on the gender spectrum, but this honestly doesn’t seem like a gendered experience.
What does seem to be a gendered experience is the element of honesty that comes into play in these interactions. While I may not be able to pull out statistics, based on personal interactions and conversations, most people who dated women who were already in relationships were told the fact beforehand. But when it comes to the experience of those who have dated “committed men” there was a clear prevalence of being lied to, or shared experiences of having had to sink to stalking and discovering the fact that they were committed, or worse, married with kids.
Perhaps it is the prevalent assumption among seemingly modern men that those who date them are seeking monogamous relationships, while women are open to thinking otherwise, which has led to this skewed experience.
Whether it is queer men on apps like Grindr or cis-het and/or queer women on apps like Bumble or Hinge, the woes of trying to date men on apps have become so commonplace, that they are conversation starters. The very fact that open conversation about dating can take place attests to the fact that this is not coming from a place of disdain for anything beyond monogamy. But the attempts of deceit, manipulation, gaslighting, ghosting, breadcrumbing and a litany of other ancient to modern dating phenomena are why people are leaving dating apps. This writer has heard the refrain of “I don’t think I’ve taken my profile down, but I’ve uninstalled all dating apps” echoed every other day, by somebody or the other.
However, owing to the shifting mindset regarding slow living and offline experiences, communities with shared interests and/or values are an alternative to dating apps. There are weekly offline events like reading clubs and heritage walks. From WhatsApp groups for everyone from at-home baristas to aspiring movie-makers, countless communities are cropping up around the country. Whether you are looking to make new friends or something more, for those who are fatigued by dating apps and are looking to meet people in the real world, have transparent interactions – this could be a potential fix. But even this suggestion should be taken with a heap of salt.
The writer is a freelance lifestyle and culture writer based in Kochi
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